When even saying #MeToo is not an option!

With the social norms so fiercely directed towards the women to accuse them in any possible way, for the majority of them, it is impossible to be part of any movement like #MeToo. As a Pakistani woman, one look at the comments on the tweets of either Malala or Maryam Nawaz makes me feel disgusted. The difference of opinions and freedom of speech should not mean one has the absolute right to talk without boundaries. These negative comments can be psychologically damaging and many women who read such comments cannot imagine putting themselves on the pedestal for everyone to throw insults at them.

The whole idea in South Asian culture is that the world belongs to men, any visible woman should be punished for daring to do so. Before Twitter, it was stalking and harassing in public or workplaces (because a woman should be at home not out here in men’s space), now its the cyberspace. Twitter has somehow provided a psychological immunity under the disguise of anonymity, to the people spewing hate all the time (and mostly) without any reason and logic.

And if a woman is in the power to retaliate to such harassment or if she doesn’t care about the negative comments from the society, she becomes the evil witch. The recent famous case of Sharmeen Obaid where her single tweet was powerful enough to sack a doctor triggered the storm of hate for her from both men and women. The sad part was, everyone was so busy hating Sharmeen that no one was ready to reason and acknowledge that the behaviour from the doctor should not be socially acceptable.

Being part of academia for over a decade in Pakistan, there had been occasions when I came across the cases of female students being harassed by male teachers, supervisors or colleagues. In my capacity as their lecturer, supervisor or adviser, they would tell me what happened to them, but in 95% of the cases, they refused to lodge an official complaint. The fact that it would ruin their reputation in front of their family, friends and relatives were far worst to imagine for them. They were okay to suffer in silence because in the end, it is always the (talking) woman who is to be blamed for everything. It could be the way she dressed, walked or talked, everything is scrutinised and put under the microscope to somehow find an excuse for the male harasser; he didn’t have a choice, she tempted him.

Recently in Australia, I heard about a few cases of female international students from South Asian and Middle Eastern background, who were being harassed by male faculty members (also sadly from the same part of the world), and yet they still do not have the strength to protest against this behaviour. These men who are in the position of authority in academia, know their prey; they know the unconscious programming of cultural norms inside the brains of these women. They know that they can get away with such behaviour even when they are no longer living in societies where they came from. The official policy in academia requires the victim to lodge a complaint and the harasser has to be informed about the complaint. Things can get tricky here as without any tangible evidence, not much can be done and the situation can get worst for these female international students. The male supervisors have control over their scholarships and thesis approval, and they can make life miserable for the students.

The #MeToo movement is exclusive to the courageous and noisy ones of the western world, but not for the silent majority for whom even the mere fact of acknowledging such a thing is a nightmare. In the end, it is a mental barrier for every woman (from every race, nation or religion) to overcome the psychological fears of reputation. That is the only way that harassment will no longer be tolerated as normal behaviour.

Related Post: Why is it important to call out when one is harassed?

"Lots of people meet at work, and that's fine. But I'm rather suspicious and concerned that the clumsy advance is the defence of the sexual harasser."@profsarahchilds at our recent panel event on what's next for #MeToo pic.twitter.com/gRNEaKEoZv

— Global Institute for Women's Leadership (@GIWLkings) July 19, 2018

When does a Facebook friend request becomes harassment?

Yes the topic is under hot debate with all the keyboard ninjas expressing their opinions. It all started when Sharmeen Obaid, an academy award winner and one of the most influential woman in Pakistan tweeted about a doctor, who after treating her sister sent an unsolicited friend request, and got fired by the hospital administration.

The topic has the nation divided, was it just an innocent request and an overreaction by a woman in position of power, or the breach of work ethics by a doctor and a justified retaliation by the family of the concerned patient?

To understand the scenario, it is important to look at the context of what Facebook is and what being a friend on Facebook means.

Facebook, an online social media and social networking service, where users can create a profile that includes their personal information. They can add other people as their “friends”, in order to exchange messages, share their location and statuses/opinions, along with digital photos, videos and links.

How much information one shares on social networking websites is within their control. Also who one wish to share this information with, is also within one’s control. Social media is a tool for connecting to people, but who exactly would you want to connect with, is the real question. We all have received and sent friend requests. How would one select who to connect with on social media and who to reject?

It all depends. Some people are way comfortable with connecting with anyone and sharing their opinions openly. Some are more private about their personal matters and would like to restrict their connections.

Let’s think about the life that was there before the Facebook was launched. Or if it seems difficult, imagine, there is no Facebook, would you like to walk up to a total stranger to show them (and give out copies that they can keep) pictures of yourself, your family and your kids? Would you like to share your wedding, honeymoon and other social event pictures with them? If your answer is no, then probably you should not be sending out request to random people on Facebook either.

Now imagine, if any stranger walk up to you and ask you to show them (and give out copies that they can keep) pictures of yourself, your family and your kids? If your answer is no, again you should not be accepting requests from random people.

The problem is that in digital world and cyberspace, people forget that it’s just a software tool, if you are not my friend in real life, then you don’t deserve to be granted access to my personal life, even when documented in the digital world.

If someone (who you don’t know or are not friends with) send friend request on Facebook, you can simply ignore and/or delete. But in some specific circumstances, a friend request is not just an innocent act. There had been debates previously about the scenarios of Facebook friendships of teacher-students and boss-employees. A doctor-patient case is also a delicate one, when it crosses the digital space.

The recent dilemma of FB friend request can be broken down and observed in individual points:

• A doctor has a professional commitment to respect the privacy of patient’s personal data and personal space. A doctor is not a random person of the street. If a stalking behavior is exhibited by the doctor, and it makes the patient uncomfortable, yes it is harassment.
• Unaccountable number of women are being stalked and harassed on daily basis on social media. Just because there was no accountability in past due to the cultures norms that makes the fears worse for being a woman, does not make it OK in any way. Calling it an innocent act is only showing the level of acceptability of such behavior in the society.
• If a woman is in position of power to retaliate, this does not make her a bad person. Sharmeen has done something that every woman wishes to do when faced with similar situation. She might actually have done some service to prevent the other men from sending unsolicited and careless “friendship” request to women just because she is your colleague, or you know her or she passed by you in the street.

People normally hate a woman who holds the power to put anyone to justice with one tweet. Some people even came up with ways to seek social justice against the brutal act of getting a doctor fired and started events and pages to shame her shamelessly [report by Samaa TV]. Just to further show the extent one would go in immorality to revenge perceived immorality.

Blaming Sharmeen in this context only shows that the majority are unconsciously programmed to jump to conclusion about woman being at fault that no one would sit down and reflect at the real problems of cyber harassment or work ethics/professionalism that the vulnerable women in our society are facing.

#CodeLikeAGirl

While attending the seminar that was arranged by the department (and made compulsory to attend for the faculty), I was hardly paying attention to what the representative of the software company was going on for the last 45 minutes. I was checking my mobile for all social media updates. There was no charisma in his (speaker) character or presentation that would appeal or keep me engaged in his talk all this time. Every now and then I glanced over the hall, which was packed with all female undergraduate students from three batches of software engineering. I could see my female colleagues gazing into nothingness as well, due to the monotonic and extremely boring rant from the only male in the room i.e. the speaker. I noticed the end of his presentation due to the applause in the hall. Gradually those who were enjoying wild mental excursions into the world of their imaginations, were brought back to the reality and they started applauding and trying to look as if they were paying rapt attention.

After the applause faded, the speaker continued “This was mostly about programming and code development. You are all girls, you should be heading for a career path either as a tester or go for quality assurance”. And then with a smile on his face he looked around the hall and said “as girls are only good for finding faults”. After a 45 minutes of boring, unintelligent and low quality presentation he had the audacity to tell all the girls that they are not intelligent enough for innovative thinking, logic and problem solving; and they are naturally born to criticize, whinge or whine (“good for finding faults“). Whether he was conscious of his misogyny or or not, we never confirmed. But we were left puzzled over this generalization.

The ignorance of such level from a senior IT specialist was beyond shock.

In 1840s, Ada Lovelace was the world’s first computer programmer. “She was the first to recognize that the machine had applications beyond pure calculation, and created the first algorithm intended to be carried out by such a machine. As a result, she is often regarded as the first to recognize the full potential of a “computing machine” and the first computer programmer.” [Ada Lovelace – Wikipedia]

“Grace Hopper was the first person to create a compiler for a programming language and one of the first programmers of the Mark I computer, an electro-mechanical computer based on Analytical Engine. The regularly working programmers of the ENIAC computer in 1944, were six female mathematicians; Marlyn Meltzer, Betty Holberton, Kathleen Antonelli, Ruth Teitelbaum, Jean Bartik, and Frances Spence. Adele Goldstine was one of the teachers and trainers of the six original programmers of the ENIAC computer. Adele Goldberg was one of the seven programmers that developed Smalltalk in the 1970s, one of the first object-oriented programming languages, the base of the current graphic user interface, that has its roots in the 1968 The Mother of All Demos by Douglas Engelbart. Smalltalk was later used by Apple to launch Apple Lisa in 1983, the first personal computer with a GUI, and one year later its Macintosh. Windows 1.0, based on the same principles, was launched a few months later in 1985“. [Women in Computing – Wikipedia]

Without these brilliant female brains, the world of computing would not have reached where it is today!

In everyday words and gestures, sometimes meant as harmless humor, a lot of things that go unnoticed can create profound impact on the surroundings. “you are too pretty, why did you choose science”, “no one will like you if you are good at math”, “the person ahead of me is a terrible driver, must be a woman”, “are you sure you are an engineer”. These are just some examples. And if confronted the reply is always the same; this wasn’t meant to be an insult and there is no need for over reaction (the classic “calm down dear“). But what about the fact that these simple, unconscious and “apparently” harmless thoughts do find a way to manifest themselves into actions (which again would not be consciously misogynist) and contribute to impede the empowerment, equality and prosperity of girls and women.

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thoughts become your words. Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions. Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits. Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character. Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny. — Chinese proverb, author unknown

Stop with the misogynist thoughts today and break the stereotypes, which are built on ignorance!

Why are we #CelebratingWomen ?

When that picture appeared on the screen behind Dr Kirstin Ferguson at #CelebratingWomen event at Australia Post, I had the flashback of the day it was taken. I was 9 years old and just came back from my school, showing another picture to my father, which was taken at an award ceremony a few days earlier for being top of the class in fourth grade.

Giving a smile to my father and posing for the picture, I felt so proud of my achievements. Behind that smile was the story of how I worked so hard to achieve a milestone which meant a big deal to me.

I was listening to the speakers on how they were inspired by their mothers and grandmothers, one of them part of the suffragette movement. Coming from Pashtun ethnicity, my mother was not allowed to go to school. There was no glass ceiling for her to smash, she lived under the ceiling made of concrete. My father, on the other hand, was an exceptionally well educated and accomplished man. This is what the norm in Pashtun families was (and in some cases, still is).

Against all the patriarchal cultural codes, my parents supported my passion for education and did not force me to surrender to the predefined roles. Leaving Pakistan and coming to Australia in pursuit of higher education was not an easy decision. The journey was full of cultural and psychological barriers (very specific to being a woman).

When I saw the invitation on twitter to submit my profile for #CelebratingWomen I felt reluctant in doing so. It was after I saw some of my twitter fellows re-tweeting other women’s profiles, I started to reflect on what is it that I am afraid of? Well, the answer was not that difficult to find.

My PhD at the University of Technology Sydney was funded by a highly competitive Women in STEM award. Later I was a recipient of Google’s Anita Borg Women in Computer Science award. I remember being proud of myself just like I was when I was 9 years old. It was when I heard “someone (just one)” that “if it was only among women in IT and Engineering, considering their numbers, it wasn’t the real competition”. Sometimes it only takes one needle to burst your bubble of happiness. Women in STEM scholarships did help financially and opened the door of opportunity, but I had to do my research, write and defend my thesis, just like any other candidate. The comment was very unfair.

Within one year after graduating with a PhD in Software Engineering, I was offered a continuing position of Lectureship at the Swinburne University of Technology. This time I only celebrated my achievements with close friends but they spread the word. And yet from “another someone” I heard that “Oh the universities are currently desperate to increase the number of women faculty in IT and Engineering due to this ATHENA SWAN push”. Again, the institute would not select a woman just for the sake of gender equity numbers, the selection committee would prefer a female candidate if (and ONLY IF) she appeared to be equally qualified against a male candidate.

As a woman, if I compete with other women, it’s not a real competition, and if I am in an open competition with both men and women, my achievement is just a number to improve the statistics of gender equity for the institute. That is why it was difficult to celebrate my achievements. I know what I am capable of, but I was reluctant because I did not want to give anyone the opportunity to belittle my hard work.

I searched on Google to know more about this social media initiative and found an article in The Australian about Celebrating Women project.

It was inspiring to read about such a brilliant idea of Dr Kirsting Ferguson. But when I reached the comment section, that’s what made me think.

My 9 years old self knew better and didn’t care about anyone’s opinions. Luckily, Twitter was not around when I was young. Being top in my fourth grade may not have meant anything to the world, but it meant everything to me and my parents. All I could see was my father smiling at me behind the camera. I cannot even imagine how happy my mother would have been. That was what gave me the passion and motivation to move ahead in my pursuit of education all these years. And with that thought in mind, I submitted my profile. I didn’t care whether anyone would like it or not, I just wanted to ensure that I am going to be happy about what I have achieved.

A few days later, I saw a lot of notifications on Facebook that I am getting tagged in so many comments. When I checked, a lot of young girls who were my ex-students in Pakistan were commenting on the post. I didn’t remember all of their faces or names but felt elated and humbled.

We focus too much on the few negative comments that we forget all those who sincerely appreciate and applaud our achievements. I would like to thank Dr Kirstin for making us look at the brighter side and giving us all the opportunity to break our self-imposed barriers. As the panellists at the ceremony put it “Diversity is about being asked to the party. Inclusion is being asked to dance.” You don’t even have to wait for the invitation, the moment you hear the music, start dancing on your own. Dr Kirstin has already started the music of #CelebratingWomen for all the amazing women, whom I share my profile with.